Motherhood - Its easy to fall into a rut!

Hello gorgeous ladies

I have been wondering, do you ever catch a look at yourself in the mirror and not like what you see...... I don't mean physically either, we are our own worst critics I know but I am trying so hard to be aware of what I do and how I act, knowing that like creates likeness and children do as children see!

I remember a time after my first baby Imogen was born that I realized I didn't like who I was becoming. My moment of clarity came while watching my husband bathe her. From where I was sitting, the bath water was too cold, the soap was all wrong, the washcloth forgotten, and the wrong non baby towel chosen. I seemed unable to keep myself from commenting so one enjoyed bath time that night and the feeling it left stayed with me for a long time. 

Almost 7 years and two kids later, I've become skilled at noticing the little ruts we mums can find ourselves in - patterns and attitudes that transform good mums into people we don't like. I've sorted these morphed-mums into groups.

The Critic: 

This is the bath time experience I just described - mum is commenting from the sidelines as dad tries to bathe the baby. The Critic believes that her way is the best way and a pattern emerges: My husband says his self confidence has disappeared since the kids were born - apparently its "my way or the highway"!
For example:

• - Dad attempts to interact and care for baby;
• - Mum disapproves and ‘helps' by providing suggestions (ha ha criticism;)
• - Dad loses confidence and is reluctant to care for baby;
• - Mom gets frustrated and resents dad of not pulling his weight.

Mum has now created her own monster. Dad has been made to feel useless and that is exactly what he has become. These days, when dad dresses the children in uncoordinated outfits, I keep quiet. Before the Critic speaks, she needs to ask herself  "does it really matter?"

The Nag:

What differentiates the Nag from the Critic is her tone of voice. We know we can be polite and respectful because we hear ourselves talk to our friends and her mother. However, when the question or favour is directed at our husbands, the tone completely changes and all "pleases" and "thank-yous" are completely abandoned. My husband still calls me Jekyll and Hyde, he says my mood completely changes when around people other than him. oh does that mean I am a nag and a critic?? When mums are exhausted by a new baby or energetic children, it's easy to fall into the habit of barking orders at your husband.. At the end of the day it doesn't make either parent feel good. 

The Score-Keeper: 

This is the mum who thinks nappies should be changed according to a schedule of "whose turn it is." If the man is going out with friends on Friday night, you better believe mum's going to spend all day Saturday at the gym or shopping. After all, it's only fair, isn't it? I believe children can interpret this score keeping as parents getting "stuck" spending time with their children. Kids should feel that both parents want to be with them all the time - even during those times we might not.

The Complainer:

I don't think there's anything wrong with having a good rant with your girlfriends - they can make for good sounding boards. But the Complainer takes it to a higher level. She can recognize herself by asking: does the phrase "I'm tired" find its way into every conversation she has? A sub-category is The Competitive Complainer. This describes the mum who if husband had a tough day at work, she had a tougher day at home. The reality is, being tired is what we signed up for and it is exclusive to no one. This mum needs to remind herself that complaining is not pro-active. If there is a problem, do something about it. I've personally never found that saying "I'm tired" lends itself to more sleep, have you??

Motherhood is hard work, very hard work. It's no surprise that at various times during this journey we find ourselves developing some of the symptoms that put us into one of these morphed-mummy categories. I've learned that catching myself as the Critic, the Nag, the Score-Keeper or the Complainer, makes me unhappy with my behaviour and certainly doesn't make any valuable contribution to my family. We all find ourselves falling into these ruts from time-to-time, but with some quick recognition of the signs - there's plenty of time to climb out!

Food for thought
xx A